Ask Nicole: How Do I Break Up With My Fiancee Without Feeling Guilty?

Dear Nicole,

Here’s my dilemma, I have been with my fiancé for about 5 years now and while I love him dearly have to be honest.  I don’t want to marry him.  He is a great guy and all, but I just have so much that I want to do in my life and I feel like the past 5 years my life has been at a standstill.  I don’t just not want to get married; I don’t want to be in a relationship…period.  I am 29 and have been in a serious committed relationship since college. I want to have fun with my girls and live life before being an old married woman.

How do I explain this to him and break it off in a way that won’t ruin our friendship and yes…leave me feeling less guilty?

The best thing you can do girl is end this quick.  Like taking off a band-aid, it will hurt but it will be over fast. Tell him the truth and go about your way. The longer you drag this on the more unfair it will be.

The way most people deal with guilt is one word: justification.  If a person wants to do things and not feel any guilt, they explain it to themselves or make excuses in a way to make said action alright and/or okay. For example, if you want to steal you say that the company you stealing from hurt the middle class anyways by paying lower taxes.  Justification explains away the action in a way to make a choice more acceptable. Guilt comes when you question your own actions and/or motives.

In this particular situation, for you not to feel guilty all you can do is justify what you are doing.  Justification here is that neither of you will be happily married and the break up will avoid future pain and suffering. This man deserves to be engaged and possibly married to someone who wants the commitment and you are obviously not the one.  Therefore, you breaking up with him will release him to find the woman he seeks and freeing your guilty conscience.  This break up allows you to do whatever it is you feel you need to do.  He deserves you to be upfront and honest with him.

You should not feel guilty in the fact that you are seeing that you do not want marriage and you are getting out of this relationship before things like cheating occur. This man will be hurt especially if he feels like he is a good man and does not understand why you choose this route but that is a consequence you have to deal with in this decision. Adult decisions come with responsibilities, guilty feelings or not this breakup has to happen.

In my response I am giving advice on how to not feel guilty. I will address what you are actually doing in another article because that is a separate issue. As far as feeling guilty, that is only something you can or cannot do and have to deal with just as your man (future ex) will have to deal with his own broken heart.

As this is a free country you can do what you want. Be adult enough that, if you are going to do what you want, be ready for any and all consequences coming with said decision.

What do you all think? How have you handled guilt? Post responses below.

I will be addressing her choices in another article. Look out for part Two on this article coming soon.